Blog Post

Sea of Sheds

Higgs Boson • Feb 21, 2020
Oh how our expectations have diminished. Just recently I became a victim to some local hype and heaped a visitation upon the opening of a brand new ASDA Supermarket. OK, I'm not proud of it; heaped a visitation, where did that come from? I know - my stepfather once came home covered in blood having been knocked off his bike. Instead of simply saying 'some bastard just knocked me off me bike' he said "Alice!!! (my mother) Alice!!! I've been a party to an accident"!

Anyroad, on my arrival I noticed a man proudly pacing up and down with an almost impatient stride. I casually approached and in an attempt to initiate conversation I remarked on my surprise as to the level of interest in what is only a glorified shed with ASDA written on the side. He became defensive, perhaps understandably, after proclaiming he was the chief architect. On hearing this I proceeded to insult this man by shouting out 'ARCHITECT!!! F**k me, it's a f**king 'SHED' I know builders who'd knock this up of a weekend from drawings on the back of fag packet. You should have seen the look on his face.

What is it about ASDA customers anyway, where the do these people come from? Who are these portly tattooed types who buy nothing but fags (cigarettes) and lottery scratch cards? Apparently, huge numbers of Asdarians drove hundreds of miles to witness the opening of this shed, unbelievable. We've unwittingly become a nation of shed-wanderers and no-one seems to be questioning it.

Perhaps Prince Charles has a point, about modern architecture, not that sheds constitute architecture, which is the point. His mum (Queen) recently opened terminal five at Heathrow, which, it has to be said, is another shed, a big one I grant you, but nonetheless, a shed. The furore that went with it, the fanfare, the bollocks about how wonderful it all is was utterly bewildering. Is it the Sistine Chapel? No, it's a fking shed.

Not that long ago I took my daughter to Crealy Adventure Park. The experience for me was, well - sheds, screaming, incredibly loud music that I would happily kill someone to avoid. Crealy was once a farm and for some reason, I would imagine to avoid going out of business, they diversified and turned the whole kit n' caboodle into an adventure park. Again, a bunch of sheds in the middle of a field with some horrible fast-food outlets and fairground rides etc. At least I now know where Asdarians go on holiday, there were literally thousands of em! Unfortunately it started to piss with rain and hordes of sweaty plebs flocked to the sheds for cover, not unlike the sheep which once adorned the farm, ironically. 

My wife had to queue for 30 minutes for our veggie-burgers, serves us right for being vegetarians I suppose but it was slightly depressing that we, even in the confines of an ex farm shed, were being treated as, how should I say, not normal, lepers. Actually that's normal for me; I don't feel normal any more. It reminded me of flying with the German airliner Lufthansa. As a vegetarian you have to pre-book what they call a 'special meal'. A normal meal would be a beef sandwich with cheese whilst a 'special meal' is the same but with no beef. In other words, a fucking cheese sandwich.. 

I find it incredibly difficult to deal with certain situations, especially ones that strike me as being a bit odd or deliberately contrived to annoy me. I find it difficult because usually 98% of my brain is taken up by trying to work out a better way, an alternative as opposed to just accepting what is rather than dealing with the situation at hand. My poor wife. I'm fast becoming a 'problem old git.

Anyway, this so-called day out for me was incredibly depressing, I tried my absolute hardest, for my daughter's sake, to have a good time but all the way through the ordeal I felt so detached from the other people. My daughter of course had a wonderful time but I couldn't help thinking what a shame Crealy wasn't still a farm and people would then be forced to visit somewhere nice.

Keep it above the horizontal.........

Higgs
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by Higgs Boson 17 Jan, 2022
For some strange reason I feel uncomfortable with the title 'Made in England' - I've been brainwashed into thinking that it's a phrase only used by racists and bigots. Brexit certainly brings into sharp relief that which has largely been ignored - making stuff and methods of manufacturing. A while back my wife wanted to send a gift to a relative in Japan; she wanted something that was specifically 'Made in England'. Our search went on for days and much to our dismay almost everything was, well, made elsewhere basically. She was very disappointed, as was I. This negative experience was not helped when I casually asked a shop assistant "got anything made in England"? It seemed this question was almost deemed to be slightly racist - why? Comedian Stewart Lee famously made a joke about it, saying that a taxi driver said to him "call yourself English these days and you get arrested and thrown in jail" to which Lee repeatedly replies "what, arrested, in jail"?' The taxi driver ends-up giving-in and has to admit he's wrong - the joke being an exaggeration for comic effect. However, as far as I can tell, that joke is now actually not far from reality. In Japan it's the exact opposite, although to be fair, a lot of stuff in their shops is also made in China or Korea, but it wasn't anywhere near as difficult to find something Made in Japan. Of course, they, the Japanese, are proud of their ability to make stuff, and rightly so. Anyway, I suppose we've known for some time that our manufacturing base has been lost, so perhaps I shouldn't be so shocked. In a way, Brexit has highlighted the issue of where stuff is manufactured. Cars for instance; its various component parts are made all over Europe and having to cross the channel 3 to 4 times before final assembly only to be exported back to Europe. It's hard to see how this chimes with the alleged sentiments of the Paris Climate Change accord, that President Trump gave the finger to. And what sort of country can't even make its own sandwiches without recourse to foreign interference? I have purchased the odd sandwich from various Supermarkets and I thought, in my naivety, that they were built onsite, or at least in some shed down the road, but no - I had no idea just how pathetic Britain has become. It would appear that we are totally dependant on the EU. Of course, to an ardent Europhile this is all par for the course, perfectly normal, music to their ears bla bla - but to those of us with only the smallest semblance of national pride left, it is a source of acute embarrassment mixed with a realisation of the sheer insanity of it all. There is now such a gulf between those who believe in the EU and those who do not, the divide has manifested itself in what I like to call a Tower of Babel syndrome - everyone talking a different language and nothing, as far as I can tell, is going to bridge that chasm. Whatever your view 'Made in England' is now a thing of the past and, as far as I am concerned it's a very sad state of affairs indeed. I recall my grandfather having a huge sense of national pride about the quality of almost anything Made in England. To him, it was a benchmark of excellence. Unfortunately, it would appear that politicians have sold us down the river to a bunch of unelected corporate bureaucrats in Brussels - whose main purpose in life is to spread the work about at the behest of the multi-nationals - companies, who wouldn't actually exist were it not for the efforts of people like my grandfather. Higgs Boson
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